spirit7's Blog

     I thought we were friends but my neighbor (I'll call her Debbie) is still angry at me for trying to help. We got along as soon as we met which was about 7 years ago. We both liked cats and became friends right away; she had 4 and I had rescued one from the underground parking lot after his human family abandoned him when they moved away. I have always had a close bond with animals. Debbie has a box with bedding for other strays down there to have a bed at night and puts food down twice a day, every day. I regularly borrowed their car to go shopping. It was January and very cold. When I got to the car a regular feline visitor was having her babies in the box. Debbie is a very high strung/ sensitive person and  not well most of the time, So I decided  to take it upon myself to put the box in the car and take the mother cat to the vet. She had already birthed one baby and wasn't showing any interest in mothering it. The kitten was damp and laying on it's back behind mom's butt and mewing. The mom allowed me to remove a collar that was very tight around her neck and let me pet her. She was purring and calm so I taped a plastic bag over the top of the box since the drive would only take 5 mins. What I was trying to prevent happened. It didn't take long for her to get scared of the car moving. She squeezed out of the box and crouched on the back seat. I know now I should have turned back around at this point but I wanted to get her to the vet so I kept going. I arrived and one of the girls came out . First she took the box with the baby in and returned to try and get the mom. She was slippery as an eel and kept squeezing out of her grip. She gave up and asked another girl to try. She was very aggressive in her approach. She got hold of the cat but was scratched and bit so she let go of her and the mother ran away.
     I sat and cried in the car before I went home. I explained to Debbie what happened. She hasn't talked to me since. Her husband says she wont accept an apology. I phoned a few times but she would yell when she talked and would slam down the receiver. I've had to let go of the guilt as best I can. I know now I should have let her handle the situation but I was just trying to help and it all went horribly wrong. I miss our friendship. Her husband still talks to me  but I can feel that things aren't the same. They've been wonderful friends to me and it hurts thinking Debbie will never forgive me, but I'll keep hoping.

There's not much to say that hasn't already been said. I still see clearly in my mind the video of the planes crashing into the towers, the hateful face of one of the murderers. the worst of it has been my mind always trying to imagine what the people were going through when they understood what was happening, waiting for the end.. i've tried to put myself in their place but that's just laughable. no one could. the fact that it may have been prevented keeps pouring salt on a wound that cracks open every year. the anger wells up. mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, friends and lovers are remembered by strangers around the globe.

I'm an extremely sensitive person. The stars in the heavens made me that way. I believe that before we were born we chose who we were to be on earth and what experiences we were meant to have. That doesn't make it easier though. The pain I've felt throughout my life can never be expressed in words, only scream of agony. The worst of it has always been the loneliness. Even though I have a friend that knows me better than anyone else, the heavy feeling inside never seems to leave. The day I found this sight I was looking for a place to find some hearts that understood mine and wanted to share. This site almost came up immediately and by following my gut reaction I hesitantly signed on. It's been such a very long time since I've felt safe to open up.
I used to wear my heart on my sleeve but have beaten myself up for doing so to try and harden my heart. I'm tired of feeling unaccepted for who I am. I don't want to be closed up, stone-faced and hard hearted. My face has become the face of sooo many that I see out on the street; people who have shut down and try not to feel. Feeling is who I am. I'm a Cancer. Feeling is like breathing. I may be sticking my neck out here by saying it and be hurt, but this feels like the safest place right now. I can show my heart without my face so no judgment can be made on how I look or the weird way I might act because of nervousness. With over 6 billion people on this wonderful blue ball why must there be so many lonely people?

For the last 3 .... or has it been 4? I have only spent time on this site and nothing else. i have I sweater 3 quarters done and I keep saying I'm going to work on it but this is just too exciting. I only have 1 friend and we know everything there is to know about each other having known each other since we we kids. I'm a very nervous person where I'm talking to someone face to face because I think they'll think I'm a loser. It's wonderful to finally find people that like what I like too. I hope I can make some friends here to talk to real time and not just have them read what I've written. I've opened the door and peeked out.

     The morning sun always looks beautiful to me. If I'm feeling down it usually puts a smile in my heart. Fall is on it's way and with it comes the long shadows on the lawn, the sun reaching in through the windows and the cool air. It reminds me of when I walked to my elementary school smelling the earthiness of the fallen leaves. The hot and humid days of summer are over, I hope. They drain my energy. I feel more alive when the air is cold and I can see my breath. There's anticipation building up for the festive season to begin; Halloween, Thanksgiving, etc.
    If you're lucky enough to just sit and watch the morning shadows roll by with a cup of tea or coffee to keep you're hands warm, monsters of ones life are kept at bay; at least for a little while.